The holiday season means happy times, busy schedules, family time and great memories, but not for everyone.  Since grief is a normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind, many will feel some degree of sadness in this holiday season. Grief is also marked by a change in a familiar pattern of  life.  A loss by death or divorce or any other major loss in your life causes a sudden and many times unexpected change you have no control over.  The holiday season is one of traditions. Now you face change and conflicting emotions related to your grief.

Grief is very unique to each individual, therefor your grief during this season will be unique too.  We are taught that the advice we receive is correct. You may receive well meaning advice from family members and friends that you find is not very helpful.  We are taught to “just give it time” because “time will heal all wounds.”  We know from experience that does not work because we discover that all time is neutral and all it does is pass.

People will tell you that you need to be strong for the children (or for the family).  Many feel that they need to be strong for others because they have been taught that from childhood observations.  When we are trying to be strong for others, we must stuff our feelings which becomes unhealthy for us.  We need to grieve too.

Intellectual statements like “Don’t feel bad, they are no longer suffering,” does not help either.  We know they are no longer suffering and that is good and we are grateful, but that does not help how we feel.  The pain we feel is because they are no longer here.  Grief is emotional not intellectual.

So what do grievers want?

Most people want to talk about their loss and tell their story to people who will listen with dignity and respect.  Giving no advice or comparing losses and pain, is the best gift we can give.  Many who are not grieving a loss feel the best thing is not bring up the subject because it will make the griever sad.  The relationship continues after the person is no longer a part of our life.  What we all need to do is continue to use their name and tell stories.  Holiday times are a time for memories and story telling. Allow grievers (allow yourself) to tell stories and to cry if you need to and laugh if you can.  This holiday season there are hundreds of people who want to talk about their loss. Listen with dignity and respect.

The folks at The Grief Recovery Institute suggest a great phrase to start a conversation with a griever.  ”I heard about the death in your family and I can’t imagine how you feel.”  The key word is “imagine”.  That word is open ended and is very neutral.  If the griever wishes to talk, they will and if they don’t wish to talk you will know by their answer and you can respect their wishes either way.

Remember how you felt when you were grieving a loss.  What made you feel safe and was helpful?  That may be of help to others if it is not shared as advice.  Simply said it may sound like this, “I don’t know how you feel, but when I experienced my loss I know it was painful.”  Remember that grief is unique and what helped you may not help others so keep it personal and not in the advice giving mode.

Finally, if you are grieving this holiday season, ease up on your expectations.  Give yourself permission to skip some family traditions at least for this year.  You may create some new traditions.  Allow yourself to say “no” to a busy schedule if you wish.  Make it okay to decline some invitations or to change your holiday plans. ~

Note: My thanks to Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute for most of these thoughts from his teaching (along with John James).  Russell’s published article on “Grief and the Holidays” can be found at www.griefrecoverymethod.com which is a helpful website.