There are certain age related characteristics that children experience when they grieve.  In this article we will summarize those characteristics.  Children are not adults. One mistake adults can make is to assume that children have adult reactions to grief.  Children tend to act out feelings and not talk about them. 

When a child does choose to talk about their feelings, that should become a teachable moment.  Those will be rare opportunities to listen to your child’s feelings. Those are also fleeting opportunities. One can’t say to a child, “Hold that thought, I’ll be able to talk to you in a minute.”  Often the child will have something to say and then be off to play or on to another subject.  The lesson here for adults is to listen, stop everything and listen.  What you tell them needs to be geared to their age level understanding.  Following is a brief  listing of those characteristics.

Preschool Age (about age 3 – 5 years old)

The preschool child thinks death is temporary so it is important to gently explain the permanence of death. Avoid using words like “sleeping” or “away”.  At this young age, the child’s perception of death is not yet formed by enough life experience so your teaching now will provide the foundation for their future understanding.

Some behaviors you may see are a reversion to thumb sucking, baby talk, fear of the dark, or bedwetting.  You may not notice any (or very little) emotion or concern over death but this is not due to lack of caring, they just don’t know how to act.  As mentioned above, the child may be sad for a minute and then resume normal play. Separation anxiety may show up at bedtime or when having to leave parents for preschool or some other event.

Keep all you explanations simple and brief.  Remember the short attention span is normal and be pretty literal.  Use terms like “death” and “died”.  Be aware of some extra comfort and closeness they may need.  They may need more hugs or “lap time”.  Assure them you are going to be there to take care of them.  Laugh and play with them to show things are normal too.

Keeping routines and schedules as normal as you can is important.

School Age Children (about age 5 to 11 years old)j

For this age, death is real and final.  They may show interest in the biological aspects of death and even in details of the memorial service or funeral. Depending on the circumstances of the death, the child may feel that in some way they caused the death.

You may observe anxiety, sadness, emotional outbursts, day dreaming, withdrawal even stomach pains and anger. Grades and school behavior may change as a result of a lack of focus in school.  They often find it hard to concentrate in school.  When the mind and body are not in the same place at the same time, you are preoccupied.

Explain to the teachers and others who interact with your children regularly at school about the death. Let your child know that what they feel is normal and it is good to talk about the feelings. Make time for individual attention, listening and support.  You will need to catch them when they want to talk and pushing them to talk will not be fruitful.  Answer their questions when they are asked.  Pay close attention to loving hugs and touches that are normal for you and your child.  Increase them without  going overboard.

Teens (about agaes 12 – 18 years old)

The teenager has a understanding of death in an adult manner.  They know life is fragile.

You may observe anger, even fighting at school.  Of course lower grades and not being able to concentrate may show up soon after the death and letting the school personnel know about the death is a good idea.  Some teens may become rebellious to adult authority at home and at school.  Some will try to put on they are not grieving and act normal especially around their peers.

Parents need to encourage communication and sometimes that means involving a counselor, church staff member or trusted friend.  Communicating your love and touch is very important.  Teens look to their peers for support and gain much from that support so be aware of positive and caring peer support beyond friends.  There are groups available through church and community.

Honesty with all age groups is the best communication skill parents can use.  First of all listen to understand what they are saying.  Be careful not to give too much information, keep the answers short and simple, if they want more information they will ask. Death needs to be perceived as a subject we can all talk about openly. Some younger children may ask the same questions over and over again.  Be patient and keep answering them because that will communicate you care and give them security.  Show your own emotions as well so they know it is okay to be sad and show it openly.

You don’t have all the answers.  If you are asked a question you don’t know the answer to then freely admit it.  That is why you talk about it and seek to find answers together.  Above all else, show love, understanding and support.