There is a lot of material one can read about helping children cope with grief.  The purpose of this article is to summerize some important principles.  Due to space and purpose, we will be brief but we hope, informative. 

A foundational principle is that children watch adults to determine how they should act in any given situation.  The same is true when it come to grief and loss.  Think about how you learned how to react to loss.  You observed the adults around you and copied them.  That is how we learn to live and function in the world.  With that principle in mind, let’s take a look at some things you can do as an adult to model good grieving to your children.

Express your feelings.  Be emotionally honest.  That is, if you are sad or feel tears coming on, let the emotion show.  Children see sadness and tears in adults and they conclude that is normal and it is okay to feel sad and to cry.  You may be thinking you are helping your children by shielding them from experiencing grief, but you are not.  Shielding them may make the situation worse by teaching them to stuff their feelings.  So be emotionally honest in action and words.

Check list for your feelings.  Below is a simple and basic check list for you to check how you are feeling when you experience a tragic loss.  Take some time to check your feelings:

• Numbness
• Unable to focus
• Anger
• Guilt
• Loneliness
• Sadness
• Confusion
• Can’t sleep

Now that you are relatively sure about how you are feeling, you can begin to be transparent in front of your children.  Let them know how you are feeling and that those feelings change and shift for no known reason.  You can now begin to look at your children and how they are acting and feeling.

Assure and reassure your children.  First of all, assure and reassure them that you will be there for them.  Experiencing separation anxiety is common for younger children when someone they loved has died.  One of the first things a young child will wonder is if you too will leave them.  Assure them you will be there for them through this hard time of change, stress and sadness.  Assure them that you will listen to them when they want to talk.  Then,of course, you must listen when they want to talk.  May your actions match your words.

Talk to your children about death.  When talking to children about death use plain language that is appropriate to the age and understanding of your child.  Choose words like “dead” and “buried” or that the loved one’s heart stopped and they stopped breathing (which tells them what death is).  If necessary, tell them the person will not be coming back.  Of course, now is an opportunity for you to express you feelings too.  If it makes you sad that they are not coming back, say so.

Avoid substitute words because they tend to confuse or cause children to be afraid.  To say, “they are sleeping” may cause a child to fear going to sleep and/or they may think the person will be coming back soon.  To say, “God took them” can cause a child to worry about God taking other adults or themselves.  Fearing God is often the result of that concept.  Terms like “lost” or “gone” or “passed away” also lead a child to think they will be back.  Fear of being lost themselves can also result.

Ask your children questions.  Ask them to tell you what they think happened.  Ask them what they have heard others way (pay particular attention to what they have heard from older children including siblings).  While older children’s comments may be true and meaningful to them, younger children may misinterpret and be troubled.  Finally, ask them if they have any questions.

Keep memories alive.  We only forget someone when we stop telling stories or stop using their name.  Bring up memories by telling stories and use their name often.  The relationship does not end at death, it continues through our memories and conversation.  Bring up memories by telling stories particularly those that included the child.  Consider projects like picture books, journals, coloring pictures and the like to retain those memories over the years.  You can usually find a project that your child will enjoy and then it can become a keepsake for years to come.

To sum it all up, remember how important it is to express your feelings.  It will help you work out how you feel which benefits you and those around you.  It shows your child how important it is to have these feelings and then they begin to understand what has happened.  When we try to shield our children from the truth of dying, they often being to imagine worse things.  Finally, sharing your feelings lets your child see that grief is a part of a normal life.  Allow your children to watch your journey through grief .