As a hospice and grief counselor, I deal with my share of loss.  When we think of loss, the most common is a loss due to the death of a loved one or friend.  However, there are many different kinds of losses. 

I had a friendship that went back to my high school days.  We had shared sleep overs, the two families getting together, church, and group dating experiences.  We had both grown up and gotten married and we were still good friends living in the same area.  Due to a series of events, some of which are still a mystery to me, the friendship dissolved.  I was confused, angry and eventually depressed.  At that time, I did not have the words to put to my feelings.  Now I know it was grief.  The emotional loss of a friendship resulted in grief.  In the years that followed, I had similar emotional responses to losing a job, unemployment, and of course a few deaths of loved ones.  Now I can recognize the feelings and know it is grief.

Grief is defined by Russell Friedman and John James of the Grief Recovery Institute as a change or an end to a familiar pattern of behavior.  We experience those conflicting feelings when we can’t find our keys, or the lawn mower breaks down, or similar small losses.  Of course, our response the little losses is to get a little upset and move on to solve the issue.  But every so often there is a major loss in our life and then we experience conflicting feelings we call grief. 

I have worked with people who have lost their health (to the point of a terminal illness), or lost a job after many years with the same company, or a divorce, or a death.  We deeply feel each loss like that and we don’t just move on with our lives.  We feel a hole in our hearts. 

I think the best illustration I have ever heard that defines grief comes from the Grief Recovery Institute (James and Friedman) who tell this story that I am paraphrasing.  The observer was in a coffee shop in Southern California which was across the street from a hospital.  In a nearby booth, was a man who looked as if he had been up all night.  His shirt was wrinkled, his beard was scruffy from more than 24 hours without a shave and his body language said he was depressed.  Soon another man joined the griever.  He looked like he was on his way to work with clean and pressed clothes and a fresh shave.

The friend said to the griever, “I don’t know what to say to you but I want to help you.  What does it feel like?”  The griever replied, “It is like reaching out for someone who has always been there only to find that when I need her on more time she is no longer there.”

That is the best definition of grief I have heard.  Grief if emotional (not intellectual) and that griever summed it up. 

Many in the psychological fields have tried to analyze grief and but stages to it but how we respond to grief is as varied as our personalities.  There are many factors that influence our emotional response to the death of a loved one.  When we boil it all down, there is on foundational factor that determines the majority of our feelings and that is the unique relationship we had with them.  Our feelings of grief are based on our unique relationship with the individual.

Two siblings can experience the death of a parent and have different responses simply because each had a unique relationship to that parent.  The grief felt and shown will be different because the relationship is different.

No stages, no predictable way to flow through the grieving period, just our own unique feelings.  However, the majority of grievers do manage to heal and can even see their life was enriched by the experience. 

There are however some basic things that can help us all cope with loss.  We can cope with any major loss not only those due to the death of a loved one.

Talking about your loss to those who will lovingly listen is about the best way to begin to deal with your loss.  Grievers get all kinds of advice and that is not helpful even if the advice is good (and most of it is not).  All of us need a heart with ears listener.  A compassionate listener will listen and not interrupt with advice or judgement.  We need to tell our story, express our feelings and do it over and over again.  We need to use the deceased person’s name in our conversation as well. 

Rituals can be helpful to many grievers.  That is why memorial services, divorce parties, job loss gatherings and the like can help.  Also doing something in memory of your loved one can help.  Planting a tree or other plant in memory of your loved one becomes a living memorial.  Go out to eat and order their favorite meal or dessert and eat it in their memory.  Write their family history and share it with the family. There are many rituals you may wish to try.

Support groups are helpful too if you find one where people want to get better.  Some support groups are made up of people who love their pain and wish to stay stuck.  They leave and come back each session feeling the same week after week.  That type of group will not be helpful to you.

I have found that the best group to go through is a Grief Recovery Outreach Program.  It is an eight or twelve week structured program based on the premise that you can move beyond you loss.  Grief is emotional, not intellectual, so the program is emotionally based.  You can’t heal a broken heart with the head.  Check out www.grief.net to find a program near you or attend one of ours in Mesa, AZ.