If you have been through the ordeal of a death by suicide, I am sure you would agree that it is the most tragic and traumatic event of your life.  It shatters your world.  Most people are filled with feelings of guilt as they think of the signs they missed, or think about the “if only” scenarios.  The question, “Why?” and other unanswerable questions scream at you.

Then you enter the battle of the heart and head.  Your head says, “They’re gone.”  Your heart says, “No, they’re not.”  Your head says, “I did all I could.” Your heart says, “No, I should have…”  This battle rages in your soul and causes the deep feelings of guilt, depression, confusion, and most of all wondering if you will ever be able to move on with your life.

Suicide is the 8th leading cause of death among adults,  the 3rd leading among teens, and the leading cause of death among college students.  Statistics mean nothing when suicide hit home however.  So let’s move on to examine some causes and some helpful things to get you through this time of chaos.

There are about five different causes of for suicide and sometimes realizing that there are various causes helps us understand a little more about it.  Listed below are the five major causes I have identified:

1. Homicide (terrorist) bombers for a cause
2. Patients with a terminal disease
3. Extreme grief over the death of a loved one
4. The feeling of isolation or hopelessness
5. Deep depression.  It is hopeless and dark inside and with no hope the only way out is suicide.

Pressures such as finances, divorce, disease, the breakup of a romantic relationship, lack of achievement and the like are all contributing factors.  There are some who have had allergies drive them into hopelessness, or certain kinds of deep depression that drives a person into hopeless thinking and suicide.  In other words, they see there is only one viable solution, that is, there is no other way out.  When that kind of decision is made, the person will succeed at some point in time no matter what those around them know or do.

There are no categories that you can put people into that choose suicide.  Age, gender and economic categories make no difference.  No one is immune not rich or poor, male or female, or young or old.  So why do people choose to leave this life?  Mental health professionals generally agree that when a person is filled with deep hopelessness and they can not see any way out they feel it is better to leave this world than to stay and suffer.  There just is no other answer for them.  The survivors can point out dozens of reasons not to commit suicide, but the troubled soul can see none of those reasons.  Only one answer makes any sense to them and that is the one they choose.  It is a relief to the person once the decision has been made because now they have a plan and a solution that satisfies them. Those around the person may only notice they are “doing better.”

What can I do?  How do I cope with death by suicide of a loved one?  There are many thing written about this subject and I can not list and discuss all the good information available so I have chosen to list a few common and helpful things.  First of all, we will look at the common emotions the survivor feels.

SHOCK

The first common reaction is shock and disbelief.  You may feel emotionally numb for sometime.  It is almost impossible to accept a sudden and traumatic death.  Your heart says, “This did not happen.”  Your head says, “Yes, it did.”  You are waiting to wake up and have this nightmare over.

ANGER

You may experience anger and it can be directed at the deceased.  You ask, “How could they do this to all of us?”  Or if they were under the care of mental health and/or medical professionals, you may blame them for not stopping saving your loved one.

Realize anger is a valid emotion, it is okay to be angry.  Realize not everyone feels anger and you may be one that does not feel anger and let that be okay also.  It is important to be able to share your feelings with someone who will listen and let you talk and cry and be yourself as you express your feelings.

GUILT

I believe there is some measure of guilt feelings in everyone that is trying to cope with death by suicide and your anger is now directed at yourself.  You think about such questions as:  “Why didn’t I listen?”;  “How could I have missed the signs of depression?”; and many more soul searching questions.  We tend to be anger at ourselves and at others for not stopping the tragedy.  Our heart says one thing and our head says another.

DEEP SADNESS OR DISPAIR

Naturally, the closer you were to the person who died, the more intense your sadness will be.  This depression is natural and usually brings with it a sense of defeat and hopelessness.  Many do not think they can go on with their lives.  Know that there is hope and you will be able to move on with your life.

MOVING ON WITH HOPE

Reach out, as hard as that may be, to your friends and family for help and support.  Share your story with those who will listen well.  There is great healing power in sharing your feelings and experience in a safe environment.  At some point, you need to be able to say that your loved one died by suicide because there is a bondage in keeping it a secret.  Of course, you will choose whom you wish to talk to and how much you want to say.

Give yourself time to heal.  With support groups, counseling and other supportive people in your life you will start to get your focus back and be able to move forward again.  Don’t rush yourself.  Everyone progresses at their own pace and since you are unique, you will find your own pace.  Expect that some days will still be emotionally hard for you and may seem like a set back, but those are natural to the process of healing.  Know you can laugh and be happy again but you will also cry and be sad too.  Realize above all, that time does not heal the wounds you have, but what you do with the time can bring healing.

Give yourself permission to enjoy life again.  Slowly move back into your family and social life, hobbies, and having fun.  These activities are not a betrayal of your loved one, they are a sign that you are healing.

HELPFUL WEBSITES

There are many websites available but I would suggest a couple can be helpful to you and some materials are included in this article along with my experience as a grief counselor.

• mayoclinic.com
• buddhanet.net
• save.org