After reviewing the things that are not helpful to say to a griever, one needs to ask, “What is helpful?” There are several things that can be of genuine comfort to the griever but first I want to lay a foundation for what is helpful. Grief is emotional not intellectual. In American culture we are trained from childhood that we can solve any problem intellectually. A few years ago we put two robotic vehicles on Mars. We developed the vehicles, packaged them for space flight and managed to land them on each side of the planet. If that wasn’t enough, we were able to control them from the earth and see the results here also. If we can do that with our great intelligence, we can solve any problem, right? Wrong. We can not solve grief with the intellect. We can not fix a broken heart with the head. Grief is emotional and it must be dealt with at the emotional level. That is why many of the statements made to grievers are not helpful because they are intellectual. The statements are meant to be of comfort by well meaning family and friends, but they do not help.

Maybe the first thing to do when you are with a griever you know well is to say nothing. Just sit with them or offer them a hug. You have just told them that no words you have are going to help but you want to bring them some comfort by your presence. That is a powerful and very helpful message and it was delivered without speaking.

Here are a few helpful phrases:

• You never have to cry your last tear.
• You have a lot on your plate.
• I hear you.
• You are living a nightmare.
• I don’t know how you feel, but I know how I felt when I suffered my loss.
• Tell me how you are feeling.
• You are feeling normal (no matter how you feel just now).
• Tell me about your special memories of your loved one.
• It’s okay to be angry with God right now.

By now, you get the idea of what is helpful to say to a griever. Remember, you are speaking to their emotions not to their intellect.

Mark Teats