While there are many things you can do to help someone who is grieving a loss, there are some things that do not help at all. When grievers here these unhelpful statements, there is a variety of responses from hurt to anger to “I can’t believe you said that.” While most grievers are nice and accept the comments graciously, inside there is anger or hurt. Here are some things that people do that are NOT helpful.

*Never tell a griever that you know how they feel. You don’t know even if you suffered a similar loss.

*Never offer advice. Grievers do not need to be fixed. They need to be listened to with dignity and respect. The best gift you can give a griever is to listen.

*Never compare your loss or someone else’s loss with the loss the griever has suffered. Comparisons minimize the loss. We all feel every loss at 100% so there are no meaningful comparisons.

*Don’t encourage grievers to make major changes, such as moving or changing jobs. The newly bereaved are usually not thinking very clearly because grief does that to us.

*Never tell a griever what worked for you thinking that will work for them too. It is human nature to think that what helped us in a certain situation will help everyone else and that is not true. Every relationship is unique and therefor every loss is unique. Everyone copes differently to every loss.

*Don’t suggest they can replace the loss. Saying such things as, “You are young, you can have another baby.” or “You are young enough to get married again” does not help them feel better. In fact, those kind of statements can hurt.

*Avoid cliches such as, “They are in a better place.” Or, “They lived a full life.”; “Be glad you have other children.”; “God will never give you more than you can handle.” Cliches are not comforting and often are not even true, such as, “Time heals all wounds.”

*Never use the phrase, “At least….” At least they are no longer suffering. At least you got to say good bye. At least you can get your life back to normal now. Those kind of statements minimize the person’s grief and are very unhelpful.

Okay, you are saying, what does help, what can I say? Stay connected and we will tell you soon just watch for the next posting.