What forgiveness means and does not mean

• “Forgiving someone who did us wrong does not mean that we tolerate the wrong they did.

• “Forgiving does not mean that we want to forget what happened.

• “Forgiving does not mean that we excuse the person who did it.

• “Forgiving does not mean that we take the edge off the evil of what was done to us.

• “Forgiving does not mean that we surrender our right to justice.

• “Forgiving does not mean that we invite someone who hurt us once to hurt us again.”

How do we forgive ourselves?

• We forgive ourselves for what we did, not for what we are.

• We forgive ourselves for doing wrong not for being bad. We don’t forgive ourselves for being failures or stupid. We forgive ourselves for what we do and accept ourselves for who we are.

• We forgive ourselves for specific things we did.

• We are specific about what we did. What did we actually do? When did we do it? Where did it happen? We need to focus on the particular.

• We forgive ourselves for wrongful things that we deserve the blame for doing.

• We do not need to forgive ourselves for not meeting someone else’s expectations (even our mother’s). Not even our own expectations.

• We forgive ourselves for what we blame ourselves for.

• We can only forgive ourselves for what we hold ourselves responsible for. Blame must precede forgiveness. Our conscience works through the blame we feel. Our natural inclination is to blame someone or something other than ourselves so when we hear the blame coming at us, it is our conscience speaking. I must admit that I did it, that I did not have to do it, that what I did was wrong, and that I wish to God I had not done it. When those are our thoughts we blame ourselves and we are ready to forgive ourselves.

• We forgive ourselves for what we feel forgiven for.

• There are two ways to be forgiven by others. One is that they forgive you and you know it. That empowers you to forgive yourself. But what do you do if the other person refuses to forgive you, or you can not contact them to know, or they have died? Then you appeal to God and let His grace free you to forgive yourself. When you ask, He forgives. You will not forgive yourself until you feel forgiven.