Grief »

A statement I hear regularly is, “I feel like I am going crazy.”  Feelings that have never surfaced before or with such intensity causes normal people to question their sanity.  So what is normal when it comes to grief?  Keep in mind that grief is a highly unique experience but there are some common factors people often feel to one degree or another.

Numbness or Shock

There is a fog that most grievers feel in the first few days and weeks after a major loss.  Preoccupation causes us to forget things we have never forgotten before.  We miss the turn on a familiar route or we can’t find something like our keys. We find it hard to concentrate.  We may crave isolation at which times we do not want to talk to or see anyone or go any place.  In general, we are in a fog like we have not experienced before.

Intense Sadness

Some grievers wonder if they will ever laugh again but all grievers experience sadness that seems a constant companion.  You may feel empty and lacking direction or purpose in your life.  Common symptoms of depression describe your feelings because you are depressed.  Give yourself permission to cry when you need to and to laugh when you want to.  Release the feelings instead of being strong for others. 

Relief

A hard emotion to understand is relief.  If you were a care giver for your loved one with a long term illness, you most likely will feel relief when it is over and then almost immediately you will feel guilty for feeling relieved.  Your loved one is no longer suffering, you can get some much needed rest and you have time for yourself that we all need.  Those feelings bring relief but are almost always followed by guilt.  It is normal to feel relieved and you do, in fact, need to rest and rebuild your life.  Embrace your feelings of relief and know that does not mean you are forgetting your loved one or missing them any less.

Guilt

Not everyone feels all of these emotions and guilt is one that you may not identify with but for many others this is a definite feeling after a loss.  There are all those “if only” and “what if” statements we think about and beat ourselves up over.  As humans, we can not live in a close and loving relationship with someone and not say or do things that we regret.  With death, those feelings are magnified and sometimes imagined as we look back over the relationship.  Try to forgive yourself.  Yes, you can do that and to get started check out the articles under the topic “Forgiveness” on this site.  Talk about and explore your regrets and you will learn from them and in time be able to let them go.

I often refer to the emotions of the grief experience as a roller coaster ride.  You are up and down and all over the place from moment to moment.  This is a natural part of grief and it is a process or a journey we go through. You are human and you loved someone and it hurts so very deeply to no longer have them in your life.  Be gentle on yourself and embrace your emotions.  What you feel is important and you can recover and be living again.

So what is normal when it comes to grief?  Whatever you are feeling at the moment is normal. That may sound to simple to you, but it is true.  Grief is unique to each individual.  Each loss you have feels different because the relationship you had with that person is unique. Often our feelings are conflicting.  For example, we feel relief and guilt.  One minute we can feel an emotion and the next moment a different emotion. That is why we say that whatever you are feeling at the moment is normal for you.

Embrace the Moment

We can choose to live in the past and live with regret and guilt or we can choose to live in the future and live with worry and fear.  There is a third choice.  We can live in the moment.  When a particular emotion hits you (grief will ambuse you), embrace it fully.  You will notice that the feeling subsides naturally in what is usually a short amount of time.  Now you are ready to embrace the next emotion that comes your way.  Imagine you are watching a parade.  A clown comes by and makes you laugh.  Next a scary monster roars on to the scene and you step back, catch your breath and realize you were startled by the monster in the parade.  Finally a beautiful float comes by and you are staring in wonder at the intricate and delicate beauty of it.  Three different entries to the parade and three different response from you.  All three emotions you felt were embraced and then let go of to experience the next one.  Live in the present and embrace the moment.